Only a third of women can consistently have orgasms – This means two-thirds are unable to consistently have orgasms.
These statistics break my heart, from my work as a Somatic Sex Educator and my own experience I know there is a different way to be with orgasms.
I hear you saying “Myola, why is it all about orgasm” and I would answer “It is NOT all about orgasm when you have the choice for yourself when you are staying in your body, following the pleasure and sensation, orgasm is often a byproduct… a natural occurrence from these activities, it is when we have NO choice and we are trying it becomes ALL about the orgasm… [for the full article, please continue reading here].
Summer fashions can sometimes send us on an emotional roller coaster. Let’s explore feeling sexy in our skin and rockin’ our bods in everything from swimsuits and sandals to sundresses and shorts. Join Micki for a virtual Pool Party primer that promises sunny days and easy-going vibes ahead! Please feel free to share this invitation with friends! 😀
On Monday, July 9th, I’ll be broadcasting a free, live-streaming, informative class about Body Positivity. Please join me at O.school then. See ya’ there!
What is O.school? A safe, no-harassment, inclusive, positive place to learn about sexual health education from professionals through live, streaming workshops.
Recently an adult sexual health peer and I were talking about our marriages and she commented on how impressed she was by the boundaries that my spice and I have set in our relationship while being able to maintain our connection as a married couple for over twenty-five years. Not only was I was greatly humbled by her admiration, but with the coming of America’s celebration of independence from England, it reminded me just how important it is for partners in a marriage or committed long-term relationship to have enough mental and spiritual room to live as individuals in order to strengthen their bond and connection with their chosen companions.
Partners need to allow one another room for individual and independent growth in order to have successful relationships.
Becoming independent men and women with a strong sense of self is crucial to the mental well-being of all adults. Science has proven that evolution has hardwired humans for constant growth. In fact, all living creatures must be in a continuous state of growth; otherwise, they stagnate and eventually wither away.
We aren’t built to live comfortably under someone else’s control. It would be suffocating and unbearable. Everyone needs a break from time to time.
A co-dependent relationship is built on insecurity and need; the logical conclusion of which is complete instability. When both partners are continually seeking the approval of or acceptance from the other, they are ultimately handing over their own God-given endowment of free will to their partner. The dilemma that leads to the dysfunction of this type of relationship is that both partners because they are so needy of the other resort to manipulation and emotional blackmail to control each other. Unable to function in a healthy manner on their own, they seek and often demand whether overtly or covertly, completion or wholeness by taking what they need from their lover. When both partners are constantly placing these sorts of requirements on each other, one or both companions will eventually have nothing left to give.
A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect and genuine affection. When both partners are mature, capable adults they are able to choose to bring the best of themselves into the relationship for an engaged and meaningful connection. Rather than continually seeking that which they can take from their loved one, they are free to consider their own needs. Having their own needs fulfilled by their own merit encourages them to share with their chosen other sincerely and without pressure. Both partners are inspired towards self-fulfillment as well as towards mutual satisfaction.
The Freedom to Be “We”
So, how are two individualswho are adequately able to stand on their own two feet supposed to come together into the balance of a healthy partnershipwithout losing that strong sense of self? How can we coordinate the seeming contradictions between healthy adult independence and a wholesome togetherness?
Take full responsibility for yourself and your actions and expect your partner to do likewise.
Allow your partner to form and maintain respectful, platonic friendships.
Consent to giving one another time apart for separate hobbies/interests.
Establish, respect, and maintain boundaries.
Be honest and transparent with your chosen partner.
Keep an open dialogue in order to foster mutual trust.
Make informed crucial decisions together.
I find that there is something very gratifying in hearing from my spice that he doesn’t have to or need to be with me, but rather that he chooses every day to be with me. I love being his chosen.
Wrapping up Pride Month shouldn’t be the end of our love and support for our friends and family in the Queer Community. Here are five simple habits that I’ve found to be effective and respectful ways to be a friend and ally.
Know that all fellow human beings are worthy of dignity and respect. Wow, that’s an easy one, right?
Don’t assume that everyone you know or meet is straight, cisgendered, or even binary. Instead of asking someone who presents themselves as masculine, “do you have a girlfriend/wife?” instead ask, “do you have a partner/are you in a relationship?” in order to let them feel comfortable filling in the blanks for you if they so choose.
When meeting new people, be the first to share your “preferred pronouns.” For example, “Hi, my name is Micki. I prefer/my pronouns are she/her/hers.” This is a very simple but clear way to let your new acquaintance know that you aren’t making assumptions about their personal gender preferences.
Don’t be afraid to let people know that anti-LGBTQ comments or jokes are not acceptable in your presence. Standing up for outliers, including the queer community, is always a good thing. My go-to line is, “Wow, that’s a really hurtful thing to say about another human being.” Most of the time, the offender actually apologizes.
Never be afraid to ask, “What can I do to support you?”
An oxymoron is a figure of speech in which two apparently contradictory terms appear together; for example, the expression “thundering silence” seems to contradict itself — thunder being a loud sound and silence being the absence of sound. There are those who believe that, if you are a Christian, you cannot be gay (or lesbian, or bisexual, or trans, or anyone under the queer umbrella) and vice-versa. Some believe that if you are a Christian, you cannot support gays (et al.). In my current series, Gay Christianity is Not an Oxymoron, I refute this seeming paradox.
Part One: Sacred Scripture
In the first part of this series, I discuss how early Christians learned their faith, how the Western World formed the Bible and various translations, before asking viewers to consider the differing religious philosophies and cultural biases which influenced translations and interpretations of Sacred Scripture.
Part Two: Specific Scriptures
In the second part of this series, I discuss specific scriptures that are often used as weapons against the LGBTQ community, and how the context of these scriptures may be seen in a different light.
Part Three: Christ’s Mission
In the third part of this series, I focus on Christ’s Mission and the Body of Christ to show that our Christian brothers and sisters, called to Christ by the Holy Spirit, are to be embraced, regardless of our opinions or beliefs.
As you’ve likely figured out by now, I am a practicing (as in, “I’m workin’ at it, y’all, and am by no means perfect at it yet”) Christian. As someone who has professed for over forty years a deep and abiding love for God Our Creator, I believe that every single human life is created in God’s perfect image, and regardless of religion, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation, is precious and worthy of dignity and respect as such. I also believe in the fundamental goodness of all humans’ sexuality, as it is a God-given gift.
I believe the Church’s mission should be to share Christ’s light and love with all people and for all people. “And he said to them, ‘Go into all the world and proclaim the good news to the whole creation.'” (Mark 15:16) There is no disclaimer to His “whole creation;” therefore, those who would scorn some of God’s children make a mockery of Agape. Discrimination is anathema to His godly compassion. “Indeed, God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him.” (John 3:17)
I firmly believe that all of God’s children have a unique purpose and position in God’s Kingdom and that all individuals within the Body of Christ need one another, can learn from one another’s strengths, and should respond to one another’s needs. “The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I have no need of you,’ nor again the head to the feet, ‘I have no need of you.’” (1 Cor. 12:21)
Having family members and friends themselves active in the LGBTQ community, I have striven to be inclusive and affirming for as long as I can remember; and, I actually began my journey into sexual health education as a student liaison for the South Plains AIDS Resource Center (SPARC) in 1990. My training in advanced sexuality and pleasure education is from the Institute for Sexuality Education and Enlightenment, which is LGBT-friendly and offers a holistic model of sex education, and I have participated in training with the Safe Zone Project. And, Lord willin’, I will be completing my training with the Incarnation Institute of Sex and Faith this year. I invite folks to hold me accountable to my credo.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
If you know relationship coach Micki Allen then you know she speaks and writes from the heart. Her subjects range from romance and sex to family and showing emotion. She left me a comment one day about her nonny and I asked her if she would write a guest post about their relationship. She kindly agreed and here is the result. May you have a love-filled day! Here is Micki’s guest post:
Dr. Justin Lehmiller, the creator of the blog site Sex and Psychology, shares some interesting ideas and intriguing facts about the state of adolescent sexual health in America and abroad.
This week in my study abroad course on sex and culture in the Netherlands, we’re focusing on cross-cultural differences in sexual health and sex education. As a starting point, we’re reviewing some statistics that highlight how dramatically different teens’ sexual health outcomes are in the Netherlands relative to the U.S. Check out the infographic below for a quick overview, which shows that teen girls in the Netherlands have much lower rates of pregnancy, birth, and abortion. Below, we’ll discuss why.